Snappy Comebacks

Abraham Lincoln on being called “two-faced”: 
“If I had two faces, do you think I’d be wearing this one?”

Foreign Diplomat: 
“Mr. President!
You black your own boots?”

Lincoln: “Yes, Whose boots do you black?”

Mark Twain: “I’ve never killed a man, but I’ve read many an obituary with a great deal of satisfaction.”

Reporter: “How many people work at the Vatican?”

Pope John Paul XXIII: “About half.”

Actress May Anderson: “What is my best side, Mr. Hitchcock?”

Alfred Hitchcock:  “You’re sitting on it, my dear.”

Opera Audience Member; “What do you think of the singer’s execution?”

Calvin Coolidge: “I’m all for it.”

Reverend Edward Everett Hale when asked if he prayed
for the Senators:

“No. I look at the Senators and pray for the country.”

Actress: “I enjoyed reading your book. Who wrote it for you?”

Author Ilka Chase: “Darling, I’m so glad that you liked it. Who read it to you.”

Drunken guest:
“I can’t bear fools.”

Dorothy Parker: “Apparently your mother could.”

NY Mayor Ed Koch to Andrew Kirtzman:
“I can explain this to you; I can’t comprehend it for you.

Montague: “Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox.”

Wilkes: “That will depend, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”

Senator Fritz Hollings when challenged by his Republican opponent, 
Henry McMaster:
“I’ll take a drug test, if you’ll take an IQ test.”